Protruding toilet paper contributes to inevitable let-down for student

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO
Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE – A Rider male’s attempts at courting a member of the opposite sex were befouled yesterday due to a lack of proper bathroom care.

Rider freshman David Melinkus’ “foolproof” plan to advance on sophomore Rachel Renthorp was soured after toilet paper protruding from the back of his pants became the immediate cause of hysterical laughter outside room 211 of the Fine Arts building.

“I had it all planned out,” recollected the scheming Melinkus. “It was a foolproof way to secure the hand of Rachel, the target of my [obsessive] attractions.”

After being dismissed early from his Mass Media class, Melinkus headed to the bathroom to make last-minute preparations for his encounter with Renthorp.

“With a good deal of time before my planned encounter, I decided to freshen-up in the bathroom, to look my best.”

To Melinkus’ surprise, breakfast’s side effects hit early, and a stall-run became top priority.

“I couldn’t hold it in,” complained Melinkus. “I ran for the stalls and made the deposit. But to my surprise I heard the other classes being dismissed as well.”

With precious time to spare, Melinkus exited the bathroom in a hurried fashion, unaware of the sanitary cloth’s peculiar position.

“I just saw that stall door swing open, and out rushed that dork,” said Greg Finesberg, a bathroom bystander. “The paper was streaming behind him like he was in some sort of flare-parade.”

After opening the door to the hallway, the out-of-breath Melinkus spotted Renthorp exiting class, and began his approach.

“I just saw this guy coming towards me with something vaguely hanging behind his feet,” recalled Renthorp. “After a few seconds of his incoherent mumbles, I saw people pointing at us.”

Within seconds, the hallways filled with laughter, and the confused Renthorp made her escape.

“She just split,” said Melinkus, jolting his arms in a perturbed fashion. “I didn’t understand it. Hours and hours of vigilant, careful planning down the drain.”

Not until obvious comments the spectators in the hall made regarding his lack of hygiene did Melinkus become aware that he was the source of humor.

“Ruined, I was ruined,” screeched the defeated Melinkus, in a fit of rage. “Not since accidentally spilling Pepsi on my pants two days ago had I been so humiliated!”

Realizing his unfortunate position, Melinkus ran for the stairs as an easy escape and then proceeded to sprint across campus to his dorm sanctuary.

Still disturbed by the incident, Renthorp has taken the precautionary measure of looking both ways before leaving class.

This is not the first public display Melinkus has been involved in, he has also been spotted in unfortunate circumstances involving: faulty water fountains, newly painted benches, and pant zippers highly affected by the pull of gravity.