Mall Santa’s flammability raising concern

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO
Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE – The local mall’s Santa Claus was relocated from his station beside the Zippo lighter kiosk Wednesday, after his easy ignitability became apparent.

Walter Neskins, a.k.a. Santa Claus, was moved after several mall patrons filed complaints addressing Neskins’ foul, alcoholic odor.

“He reeked of vodka,” complained Julia Ferons, who entered the wrath of Neskins’ protruding funk upon bringing her daughter to meet the Christmas figure. “It was unbearable.”

Several other parents acknowledged the fact, using words such as: “hideous,” “ominous” and “party-time” to describe Neskins’ smell.

After several complaints, mall security aided Neskins to the restroom to “freshen up.” This process included a thorough hosing down, followed by the application of a grainy soap for cleansing, and a change of clothes.

Wary of Neskins’ previous location beside the lighter kiosk, mall authorities relocated the Santa Stop to the other end of the mall, next to the Chocolate Factory.

“We just can’t chance putting that guy next to the lighters,” said Neil Dringer, mall manager. “If one of the lighters was accidentally ignited, the whole place would go up in flames.”

Neskins, who has reported for work under the influence of alcohol from the start, is confident that his position is secured.

“Whatcha gonna do, huh?” said the inebriated Neskins, sipping a stained flask minutes before going on duty at 10 a.m. “I’m da Stante Claaaaaaaass!”

Mall management agrees with Neskins’ confident outlook, as attempts of finding another mall Santa have proven rather unsuccessful.

“With the supply of middle-aged, obese, bearded men running low around here, we can’t be too critical when choosing a Santa,” said Dringer. “I wish there was some way other than Neskins to reek. Oops, did I say reek? Heh, I meant reap—reap the benefits of having a mall Santa.”

His new location next to the Chocolate Factory poses a threat as well. Several Chocolate Factory employees have noticed his “cynical” stares in their direction and are extremely suspicious of Neskins.

“He’s always looking over here,” said Stan Carson. “I can’t really tell where he’s looking, because his head seems to constantly move in a dazed, circular fashion.”

For precautionary measures, the mall has dispensed a security guard to the Santa Stop to eliminate feelings of distress caused by Neskins.

“I ain’t gonna do nuttin’,” slurred Neskins.

Dan Hoffermann, the assigned guard, agreed that Neskins was “neither capable of balancing on his feet, nor able to see through his foggy gaze, let alone able to conceivably take physical actions against another person.”

“He can’t even put the kids on his lap,” continued Hofferman. “And since the elves don’t do anything, I have to do it.”

Complaints of Santa’s elves being overly relaxed and smelling of incense have also arisen.

“That’s no surprise,” said an unsurprised Dringer. “We learned our lesson with those guys last year after having to move the Santa Stop twice, from next to Groovy Psychedelics and then Native Art.”

With less than 20 days to go, mall management is keeping its fingers crossed that Neskins’ weakness will prevail, and not erupt into a violent rage before Christmas.