Unknown news: Olsen twins’ coming of age becomes obsession

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE – Yesterday, a local man’s curiosity as to the exact date both young actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 became an uncontrollable obsession.

Richard Matterick, 37, disclosed to friends, during an alcohol-induced poker game last night, his recent obsession over the Olsen twins.

“We were just sitting back, drinking some beers and playing poker, when Rich stood up and started raving about the Olsen twins,” said long-time friend Jake Faddenly.

Matterick was regularly seen watching the FOX Family sitcom So Little Time, starring the Olsen twins, by other witnesses at the poker game.

“I had caught him watching those gals [the Olsen twins] on that family show a few times, but originally thought nothing of it,” said friend Dan Penningsworth. “I guess, for some insane reason, I thought he liked quality programming.”

Matterick admits that the thought of the Olsen twins being of age for numerous activities seen unfit for children under 18 has been on his mind for some time.

“I can’t get it out my mind,” screamed Matterick from his fourth story apartment on Nugget Street. “When can these chicks strip?”

Cautious of Matterick’s insane behavior, neighbors have begun escorting their children when they are on the premises of the apartment.

“This guy’s a pervert; there’s no telling what he would do to little Callie here,” said upstairs neighbor Tom Serf, referring to his 7-year-old daughter. “How can he think of such a thing? It’s just so odd!”

Not insulted by his neighbor’s constant references to him as “the perv,” “Mr. Jackson” or “His Majesty King Pedophilious,” Matterick maintains his current residence.

“Why should I be insulted? I know they’re thinking the same thing. And the same goes for those so-called poker buddies of mine.”

After fleeing the poker game last night in a fit of anxiety, to Matterick’s surprise, there was a message on his machine banning him from further poker games.

“I just feel unsafe letting that guy back into my house,” said poker host Ed Jerrison, flipping through the latest issue of Seventeen. “Obsessing over anyone sexually, under 18, is just ridiculous.”

The progressiveness of Matterick’s obsessions has led him to contacting numerous pornographic mediums such as Playboy, Hustler, and the Spice Network, all of which deny interest in the matter.

“What the hell is wrong with these people?” questioned the infuriated Matterick. “If they don’t jump on this thing, I won’t be able to sleep!”

At the request of neighbors and poker buddies alike, local authorities are keeping a close eye on Matterick to diminish public anxiety.

“We’ve dispensed four patrolmen to monitor any unusual activity around Nugget Street, and plans are in the work for a sting operation involving a midget named Lucy,” said Chief Officer Rufus McTerrington.

The Unknown News is a parody column and should not be taken seriously.