Confessions of a political junkie

A sweeping manifesto

Before I begin this week, I would like to say something to people who write letters to the editor. Before you spout off your half-assed opinions, try reading the column or article you are criticizing. For example, last week a man wrote a letter to the editor about a column I wrote on Oct. 12. After reading his criticism, I wondered if he was talking about the same column. He accused me of writing things in my column which clearly were not there, and he basically proved he did not understand the point of it. So, if any of you are going to do the same thing about any column or article in here, make sure you understand what the person is trying to say. Now, we can move onto other observations.

Some important things are happening in America these days. Let’s review two of them.

The World Series

The unbeatable Yankees finally lost, proving my prediction of a Yankee sweep as horribly wrong. I don’t like the Yankees. It’s not because of their players, it’s because of their obnoxious fans. Eighty-five percent of Yankee fans are bandwagon jumpers. Seriously, you can’t walk around this campus without seeing one out of every three people wearing a Yankee cap. Funny, I don’t remember there being this many Yankee fans in 1991, do you? All you bandwagon fans are pathetic. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, the guy with the Yankees hat reading this right now. Of course, I realize there are a very small number of true Yankee fans and they are excluded from this criticism.

With that being said, I can’t bring myself to root for the Diamondbacks. They play in a stadium called the “BOB,” which has a swimming pool and a T.G.I. Fridays in it. To top it all off, one of their team colors is purple. Purple!? The Diamondbacks’ uniforms are almost as ugly as the Padres’ “Burger King worker” uniforms of the early ’80s and the Astros’ “orange jumpsuit” uniforms of the ’70s. Plus, the Diamondbacks weren’t even a team when I graduated from high school. So, I was cheering for no one. America needs a team they can really get behind, like the hardworking Mets with their blue-collar stadium and proletarian work ethic.

Anthrax

I hear it is back on tour again. It is sharing a bill with Whitesnake and Cinderella. That show will rock hard. (For those of you children born after 1980, Anthrax was one of the pre-eminent thrash-metal bands of the early and mid ’80s. Their frontman was the righteous Sebastian Bach, who shared the same name as the famous composer.)

But seriously, anthrax is a real threat currently, and unfortunately, Rider seems to be surrounded by anthrax-carrying post offices. Luckily, no one at Rider has died from it yet, at least to my knowledge, but it will not be something easily disposed of. Any nut, even someone not associated with terrorist organizations, can whip up some anthrax and put it on some envelopes. If you know someone who has the knowledge to do this and has talked about it, even jokingly, it is your civic duty to flog them. Repeatedly.

A new section: What’s wrong with Rider?

Well, there are many things. First, let’s talk about the horrendous parking situation. If you’re lucky, you can get in the “C” lot, which is still a half mile away from any of the residence halls. If you’re unlucky, you can get stuck in the “O” lot, which is somewhere by the 7-Eleven. How to fix this: build more parking spaces! Until that gets done, here’s a solution: seniors get the closest spots reserved for them, juniors the next closest spots and so on. I don’t want to park a mile away from the campus because some spoiled freshman driving a Mercedes has a good spot. I should not only get his or her spot, but they should wash my car, too.

Another thing I hate is when people go home on the weekend for no other reason than, “There’s nothing to do here.” Stop whining, baby. These people complain Rider is boring, then go home for the weekend to some town like Toms River or Medford. What’s so fun about hanging out in your boring suburban hometown and staying with your parents? Why did you decide to go away to school when all you are is a glorified commuter student? You people disgust me. Again, anyone who has to go home for job-related reasons is excluded from my criticism.

One more thing: people who can’t hold their liquor and have to do stupid things when they’re drunk annoy me. How many times have you been walking back from a party or the Pub some night and you see some dumb freshman who gets drunk of four beers yelling, “I’ll fight all of you,” or kicking over a garbage can? There’s no need for this. If you see someone acting this way, shove them over and see how long it takes them to get back up.

Well, that’s all for now, kids. Hope you enjoyed this special feature-length column. Until next time.