Letter to the editor: Please feed me!

Dear Editor,

I dictated this letter to my friend from the Lawrenceville Psychiatric Hospital. Currently, I am incapacitated in a straitjacket. If you are wondering why I am here instead of my comfortable Rider dormitory room, I will be happy to tell you.

I ate my hand off. Yes, I did. I was so hungry because there is never anything to freaking eat at Deadly’s Dining Hall. I have been wasting away for the past seven months. The last meal I ate was Christmas dinner. I finally just could not stand it anymore.

My roommate came home from class last week only to find me still gnawing on my half-eaten hand. Of course, it is gross! But if you have even been that hungry—not eating for days and weeks at a time—you’ll understand my position. What was I supposed to do?

Have you not ever seen that movie where those people crash in the mountain and have to eat each other in order to survive? Well, that is what I did, just without hurting anyone else. I sacrificed myself because I needed to survive somehow in this Hellhole. Now they think I am crazy, but I am not! I am just hungry. Believe me, I did not go straight for my hand, I started with my desk and some glue.

And Deadly’s, watch out! I will get out of here soon, and will find and punish those of you responsible!

Eternally starving,

Hungry Hungry Hippo