Area wiseguy devises scheme to dupe doofus

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE—After observing the awkward actions of a fellow co-worker, an area man assembled a plan to demonstrate, to the highest regard, his peer’s clumsy behavior.

At approximately 11 a.m. on Wednesday, recently hired assistant manager Glen Dexton, of the Forston Corporation, witnessed region sales director Rick Gingelheim accidentally knock into the water cooler and dump the tank in an attempt to balance the mechanism.

“I’m not at work 10 minutes, when I see Rick trip into the cooler and send the tank of water to the ground,” recalled Dexton. “It would’ve been fine if he’d have left it alone, but this moron starts swinging at the thing like it was nobody’s business. Man, what a scene!”

According to fellow employees, this is not the first accident-related incident Gingelheim has been involved in, as an employee of the Forston Corporation for 12 years.

“That dork’s always doing something,” said marketing director Fred Ternis. “I once saw him knock a cubicle wall down from leaning on it too hard. He was trying to talk to Sue Heffer, over in trade, when Timburrr! Bang! The whole thing comes down, with Rick right on top of it!”

Other incidents include: falling backwards in swivel chairs, spilling coffee on the office’s circuit board, getting his tie stuck in the copy machine, and various incidents involving large stacks of paper and inconspicuous extension cords.

After Dexton learned the history of Gingelheim’s careless activities, he took it upon himself to design a scheme that would permit high jinks to indefinitely ensue in the highest degree.

“I wanna see this guy make the blooper reel. I’m talking old-school slapstick!”

Dexton’s plan, however unformulated, intends to take advantage of: the office’s blinding lighting system, the flexibility of Gingelheim’s chair and the close proximity of the water cooler in correlation with the easily-opened office door which leads to a narrow stairwell.

“That guy’s gonna have a trip like he’s never had before. Hoo-wee!” Dexton commented.

Although fellow employees are aware of Gingelheim’s “slipshod” behavior and entertain a giggle now and again at his expense, most do not support Dexton’s efforts.

“Now what’s he gotta do that for,” questioned Martha Jerric, assistant secretary to the district marketing consultant. “Old Gingelly [Gingelheim] might play the occasional doofus, but that’s just his way.”

Other employees feel the proposed plan is triggered more by Dexton’s personality.

“That no-good-nick, he looked like he was up to something,” said Terry Ushen, regional sales director. “He always has that scheming look in his eye. I regret the day that wiseguy was hired.”

Despite the lack of support from the rest of the staff, Dexton remains wholeheartedly engaged in his pursuits to “hoodwink” Gingelheim.

“I came here to do two things: embezzle funds and play jokes. And the capital’s at zero.”