Unknown News: Milli Vanilli disappointment

By Michael D. Lovullo

Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE — A brief encounter yesterday led to the rapid decline of one man’s recently found love for ’90s pop stars Milli Vanilli.

Dean Herkins, 42, was stunned after learning from co-worker Vern Hingis the truth surrounding the pop stars’ fraudulent activities that occurred over 10 years ago.

“No, no, no, not Rob and Fab,” said the ignorant Herkins. “My boys are true blue. The only thing they’re guilty of is being too damn hip.”

After consulting the first three co-workers he immediately came into contact with did Herkins acknowledge the statement as being true.

“This can’t be happening,” exclaimed Herkins. “They were going to be my next Jackson Five [a group Herkins has beloved for the past five years]. How could they have betrayed me?”

Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan of Milli Vanilli shocked the world in 1989 after admitting to lip-syncing and were required to return their Best New Artist Grammy. Two years later, the group tried to redeem itself by releasing their ill-advised follow-up under the name the Real Milli Vanilli, a release Herkins no longer looks forward to.

“I’ll be damned if I’m going to support a couple of mimicking buffoons,” exclaimed Herkins. “How could I have been so blind?”

Despite his recently changed opinion of the group, co-workers remained baffled as to how Herkins could have overlooked the controversy surrounding Milli Vanilli and his delayed interest in the group.

“I hadn’t heard that name in ages,” admitted John Reffert, assistant manager of sales in Herkin’s office. “I mean, I always kinda knew Herkins was out of touch, but to have never heard of Milli Vanilli, that’s just plain ignorant.”

“Old Herky,” reflected Frank Vanger, in charge of maintenance. “No wonder he gave that blank look last Friday when I started singing “Ice, Ice Baby” in the elevator. He must wait like 10 years after a song’s been released before he listens to it.”

Actually, Vanger isn’t far off; Herkins reportedly allows a 10- to 12- year aging process before he deems a song “ripe” for his ears.

“Like a fine wine, it must be aged to perfection before it lays its presence upon my auditory sense.”

Consistent with his “aged to perfection” theory, Herkins has only recently purchased the MC Hammer single “Can’t Touch This,” and says he’s going to be keeping an eye out for “something called Grunge.”

When asked if he would ever consider giving Milli Vanilli a second chance, Herkins bowed his head in disgust and wished both Rob and Fab a most undesirable future. Unbeknownst to Herkins, Rob Pilatus died of a drug overdose on April 2, 1998, in Germany after having spent time in jail for parole violations.