‘Bone Thugs’ petition to end loitering laws

By Michael D. Lovullo

Unknown News Correspondent

TRENTON — Area derelicts petitioned Wednesday to eliminate laws that prevent them from loitering in front of local business establishments.

In an attempt to “kick it where [they] please,” the self-proclaimed “Bone Thugs” dispensed petitions to eliminate local loitering laws.

“We tryin’ to keep it real on the streets,” explained Eddie “Low-Ride” Herins. “Among ’da people in ’da street world, is where it ’zat.”

Herins got the idea for the petition Monday, right after seeing an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in syndication.

“Will was tryin’ to get a pro mixer to DJ in between class periods at school,” recalled Herins. “But obviously Carlton and the dork patrol stopped him. We’re in luck, see, ’cause there be no squares here.”

Herins’ street gang, The Deaf Dawgs, have made a brief alliance with other gangs to gain more support for the abolishment of the loitering laws.

“We bes’ stick tight to overcome,” proclaimed Herins with a defiant vertical fist motion. “We all one now. Tight.”

Willis “Deaf-Lips” Dervins, of the Trip Hustlers, was reluctant to join the alliance, but soon realized the benefits that an abolishment could produce.

“Ever since the West Side Mix-Master Competition ’00, we ain’t been chill with ’da [Deaf] Dawgs,” recalled Dervins. “But we disregard, see, so we can be where we be.”

Dervins, who has been asked multiple times to vacate the storefronts of various businesses, looks forward to “be where [he] be,” and continue his loitering without penalty.

“After ’dis thang is done, I’m headin’ straight for the corner store dat’s run by Mr. Lee. We’ll see who ‘must go now, leave’.”

Other gangs including the Bass Hitters, Chronic Crooks, 40 oz. Bouncers, and Park-side Pimps, are planning a celebration at the area record store, Benjy’s Record Rhymes, after the law is abolished.

“It’s gonna be phat yo,” predicts Chronic Crooks’ front man, Devin ‘Blunts’ Blunkis, who anticipates the celebration to include “phat rhymes,” 40 ounce refreshments, and a vast array of cars “sporting” bouncing hydraulic customizations.

Ignorant of loitering law basics, and only petitioning each other, with the exception of “local hoods,” the gang is positive prospects for the petition are ill-advised. But such has not distracted the gangs’ enthusiasm.

“Soon! Soon, the empty storefronts and street corners will be filled with hoods, bloods, and peeps,” prophesied Bass Hitters’ leader Rick “Lay-Low” Lorens. “Soon! Soon, a gangsta’s paradise for all!”