Unknown News: Bob Saget named ‘Most Annoying’

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

WASHINGTON — In a joint session between The National Annoyance Council (NAC) and The Organization of Celebrity Outcasts (OCO), Bob Saget was named Most Annoying Guy Ever.

Saget, 45, who is most recognized for his role as the neat freak/father figure Daniel Tanner, on the ABC sitcom Full House, was awarded the title Monday at the Henry Ford Assembly Auditorium.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” said Douglas T. Slacks, NAC chairperson. “No one can deny it, and it’s better to have it out in the open than restricted to jokes at award ceremonies and humor journals.”

Slacks sought the assistance of Fredrick I. Lockingfitz, OCO chairperson, nearly a year ago to organize this groundbreaking event.

“When old Slacks rang me with the Saget business back in March, I couldn’t wait to get this thing off the ground,” said Lockingfitz. “There’s nothing better than ridiculing one of your community’s worst.”

Although his role in Full House proved to be a major influence in the committees’ decision, later career choices made by the ill-fated actor made the vote unanimous.

“From playing that incessant putz on Full House, to doing those idiotic voices on America’s Funniest Home Videos, this guy had it coming,” said Slacks. “His cameo in Half Baked didn’t help either. Was he trying to redeem himself, claiming to be a coke addict?”

And these wholehearted opinions are not felt solely by the committees. The entire nation has embraced the recent news.

“I’m sure glad some yokel said it,” remarked Elmwood R. Hayworth of Duckling, Ky. “Takin’ a gander at that crooked fella twice a week was enough to sell me. Yeah, sure thing.”

The same sentiments were shared in urban environments as well.

“Hopefully this’ll keep that blumbering ignoramus from tainting the pixels of my set for the next century,” said Joe Serick of Paterson, N.J. “Man, what I wouldn’t give to have no memory of that numbskull.”

Saget’s publicist released a statement Wednesday, stating the actor/comedian’s deepest regret, and talked of plans Saget has to work on new material.

Not “keen” on awarding second-chances, the committees have issued a ban, withholding Saget from attending open-mic nights and prohibiting him from appearing on cable access channels throughout all 50 states.

“We can’t influence TV network big-wigs,” regrets Lockingfitz. “But I’m sure past experience will keep them in line.”

Plans have been made to discontinue re-runs of Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos and edit out Saget’s appearance in Half Baked. The movie will be relieved of the seven-second cameo, truly becoming the unflawed account of hallucinated humor in American cinema.