Unknown news: Moore declares movie role: ‘Highly relatable’

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

HOLLYWOOD – Teen pop star Mandy Moore disclosed at a press conference on Wednesday that her latest acting role was extremely similar to her actual life.

Moore’s latest role as school outcast Jamie Sullivan, in the feature film A Walk to Remember, was said by the pop star to hold many similarities to her own celebrity lifestyle.

“I’m, like, totally wow,” exclaimed the dumbfounded Moore. “It’s like I’m totally looking into a mirror.”

Moore, who has attributed her fame to living a modest lifestyle without appealing to the mass majority of teens, was attracted to the role from the very beginning.

“When I heard the director say, ‘Ohhh, sure. Yeah, Mandy Moore would be perfect!,’ I was sooo excited,” admitted the oblivious Moore. “It’s like he wrote the part for me and only me.”

Not concerned with her fitting in, Moore’s love interest in the film was said to have many parallels with men in her personal life.

“I know guys don’t date me because I dress, look or act the way they’d like,” said Moore, “but because I’m my own person, and I do things in spite of what others might think.”

When asked if she had any awareness of the outside world, Moore responded with a perplexed gaze and motioned her head, causing her ponytail to revolve in a wheel-like fashion. Only after the insult was realized, with the passing of multiple, uncounted minutes, did Moore execute a dramatized eye-roll followed by a well-articulated “Whatever.”

With the recent release of Britney Spears’ feature film debut, Crossroads, Moore is happy to share the film market with her celebrity counterpart.

“It’s like such an, um, like, yeah, big, yeah, big honor to have a movie out the same time as Britney,” said the star-struck Moore. “I know it’s, like, hard for people to see, but she’s, like, been a role-model for me and my totally reserved image.”

Although her publicist denies it, Moore is presumed to be suffering from a combination of the long-term effects of ecstasy and folodrunin, a drug only realized after the application of multiple layers of facial glitter.

Confident of her movie’s success, and in contrast to her “reserved image,” Moore has purchased a doll-like mansion in Hollywood Hills, an 800-foot yacht, and a set of gold-plated ponies.

“There’s, like, no reason to be like a show-off. Just, like, be yourself.”