Unknown News: Local ‘do-gooder’ shunned by community

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

LAWRENCEVILLE – A local resident recognized the unappreciated response of his neighbors to his acts of concern Wednesday.

David Forkel, 41, was shocked to finally realize his neighbors’ unanimous disapproval of the “kindly” acts he had been performing for numerous years all around the community.

“What’s their God-forsaken problem?” exclaimed the flabbergasted Forkel. “I would be flattered if someone was concerned enough to tell me my shrubs were beginning to look like something from The Black Lagoon or that my trash was beginning to border on nauseating and that I should take it to the dump myself.”

These acts of kindness are hard enough for Forkel to fit into his daily schedule, which consists of tasks associated with assistant-managing the local Dairy Queen.

“Do they think I have all this free time on my hands?” questioned Forkel. “Trust me, it’s hard enough refilling the soda syrups and taking over managerial duties when my superior [high-school dropout Rick Rills] calls in sick!”

Neighbors informed Forkel of their disapproval with a barrage of raw produce prior to his departure for work on Wednesday, after a year’s supply of insults proved unsuccessful.

“I don’t get it,” said Forkel. “Just the other day, Jim Nerson and I were jokingly calling each other bastards, and then Mrs. Redding chimed in, saying I should be more concerned with the smell of my adult diapers than with the smell of her trash. Ahh, what a kidder.”

Prior to the neighbors’ assault, Forkel had planned on issuing a checklist to residents detailing helpful hints he found to be essential in proper community living.

“They can just forget about any insightful tips from me,” said Forkel. “It’s seems that I’ll be too busy getting aged cucumbers out of my gutter and cleaning raw potatoes out of my car’s exhaust to speak my two cents. So, heh, their loss.”

Although neighbors are pleased with Forkel’s initial response, they are fearful that this behavior will not last.

“Just yesterday I saw him sighing at my unshoveled driveway,” said neighbor Joe Sherp. “He’s gonna crack soon, and when he does, I’ll be ready with a fistful of snow!”

In spite of recent attacks, the dedicated Forkel is committed to fulfilling his role as a model resident.

“Hey, we all make mistakes. In time I know my neighbors will look at me with gratitude as I continue to comment on our blemished community.”