Unknown News: Local stud lowers standards

By MICHAEL D. LOVULLO

Unknown News Correspondent

TRENTON — A local high school student declared Tuesday that he would be drastically reducing his standards for females he deems suitable to date.

After yesterday’s basketball practice, high school senior Bret Derrican announced to fellow teammates that future love interests would not have to appeal to the high standards he previously entertained.

“Dudes, any chick will do,” exclaimed Derrican. “I don’t know why I was being so picky before, they’re all the same.”

Responding with phrases such as: “Dude, totally dude,” “Straight-up pizz-ant,” “Yeah man, chicks are chicks,” and “Let ’em nizzle my gizzle while I schnizzle,” fellow teammates presented little reason for Derrican to question his declaration.

Derrican has decided to not hold females to standards such as: residing on the cheerleading squad, shopping only at The GAP and Bloomingdale’s, and being a Virgo. He has also entertained the idea of dating “Valley chicks.”

“I don’t know why I was limiting my chick pen,” said the perplexed Derrican. “So many missed opportunities. I must have been out of my mind.”

Although Derrican holds reasons for this abrupt change to be the result of nothing more that a personal revelation, high school gossip queen, Kristen Flannigan, posed a much more reasonable explanations.

“Ever since Julie left him for Bobby Jenson, the high school’s star quarterback, nobody has dated him,” said Flannigan.

When asked to comment on Flannigan’s statement, Derrican immediately began to perspire and responded only with random grunts and sighs, accompanied by constant changes in body posture.

Recent polls revealed that Derrican’s popularity is at an all-time low, and nine out of 10 cheerleaders deem him “lame.”

Fellow teammate and rumored best friend, Tim McReynolds, agrees that Derrican’s social status has taken a turn for the worse.

“I had a bit of the downtime myself once, after being paired with Tom ‘The Dork’ Dorvalsky as a lab partner,” recalled McReynolds. “But I got over it.”

Some say Derrican may never recover as he has currently been seen wearing unfaded blue jeans, occupying a seat on the ‘other side’ of the lunchroom and walking directly to seventh period without talking with the “varsity elite.”