By VINCENT CIVITILLO
Psychic Consultant
Aquarius (January 20 -
February 18)
Someone you love will
be stalked by a pack of wild ostriches in the near future. Don’t be
afraid, though; it’s their mating season, they just want some
lovin’.
Pisces (February 19 -
March 20)
The lunar alignment of
Saturn and Uranus indicates a strong probability that you will find yourself
slipping on a banana peel sometime during the week. Upon doing so, concentrate
hard and you may unlock the secrets of the universe.
Aries (March 21 - April
19)
The cosmic alliance of
Jupiter and the constellation Orion point to a heavy pent-up sexual frustration
that you’re just waiting to unleash. Watch out, though, if you
don’t present your proposition in the right manner, you may find yourself
with a very large, hand-shaped red mark on your face.
Taurus (April 20 - May
20)
This week it will be
important for you to remember that no matter how drunk you are, you cannot fly.
Gemini (May 21 - June
21)
You are emitting a strong
aura to those around you. Thus, you should begin bathing more frequently.
Cancer (June 22 - July
22)
As Spring Break
approaches, you may find yourself drunk on a beach real soon. Ask yourself,
“How much is a necklace of beads worth to me?”
Leo (July 23 - August
22)
The calendar alignment
of the last day before Spring Break and the midpoint of the Spring semester
indicates that you may have one or more exams to take today. Remember, when in
doubt, answer “Aristotle.” Works every time.
Virgo (August 23 -
September 22)
There is no substitute
for Jello.
Libra (September 23 -
October 22)
With April Fools’
right around the corner, you will need to watch your back extra carefully.
Inspect your surroundings with caution and never go to the bathroom without
looking.
Scorpio (October 23 -
November 21)
Your significant other
is looking to tell you something. Try to ask him or her to spit it out it
before it comes to an appearance on The Jerry Springer Show. A trip to Chicago to be on that program NEVER
means good news.
Sagittarius (November
22 - December 21)
If you can’t
swim, stay out of the water. If you can’t divide negative integers,
don’t take calculus next semester.
Capricorn (December 22
- January 19)
The solar alignment of
Lawrenceville with the moon points to a strong probability that you will
uncover a hidden treasure. Remember to take it slow and give it your all, or
you may never find it again.