Editorial:
Rider U = infinite capacity for suck

It has been almost a year since I penned my first Opinionatrix Editorial and, much to my abject disappointment, I have not been allowed to voice my true feelings about this university. I mean, what’s the point of being the voice of the entire editorial staff when all I’m doing is catering to a perspective I just can’t get behind? Every week I have to write about whatever the front page story is and, truthfully, I spend more time trying to care about the issue at hand than I do actually writing about it. It’s simply not right that I’m virtually bursting with logical solutions to Rider-specific problems and can’t even promote them in my own bloody section of this paper.

But I can’t bite my tongue any more. There are so many things that are so deeply flawed about this school that maybe we’d be better off burning this place to the ground so that a more functional version of Rider can rise all Phoenix-like from the ashes.

First of all, we’re in college. We’re not, like, finishing up our master’s theses or plugging on toward our doctorate degrees, so why on earth are we so bogged down with work? I mean, don’t our professors understand that we only have four years here? We need to party, drink and have all the unprotected sex we can handle before our careers as burger-flippers and retail slaves completely devour our collective will to live.

And who cares about the difference between “than” and “then” — this isn’t elementary school! Spelling and proper apostrophe usage are so 10 years ago, especially now that we have AIM-speak, which is, like, so obviously the future of the English language. In a few years, we won’t need to worry about the differences among “to,” “too” and “two” because they will all be replaced by the numeral “2.” I mean, duh. Get with it.

We’re not shelling out 30-some grand a year to be stuck in our rooms writing papers and wasting the best years of our lives in classrooms: I want my money’s worth, and I’m sure everyone else does, too!

Why do we have to go to class and learn stuff and work for a decent grade, anyway? Wouldn’t it just be a lot easier if we could just sleep with our professors for the ‘A’ instead? I mean, they’ll have fewer papers to grade, so they’ll have more free time. And since we won’t have to worry about academic annoyances getting in the way of college life, we’ll have more time to devote to the things that make these years worth remembering.

The rampaging problems with Rider University have grown so hopeless that everything this college touches turns to suck: The student government doesn’t take bribes, Daly’s STILL doesn’t serve liquor, all of R.U.N.’s programming is far too G-rated, WRRC is so concerned about not losing its broadcasting license that students can’t even drop an F-bomb on air without fear of being drawn and quartered by an angry mob, and don’t even get me started on this paper. The Sanda News obviously needs to stop caring about the quality of its content and more about the whims of its writing staff. Who cares if an individual’s limitless ego is way out of proportion to his severely wanting capabilities as a writer? No one really reads a college newspaper anyway, so what does it matter if it’s teeming with massive suck?

But I suppose all the shortcomings of Rider University can be overlooked when one takes into account that we’re lucky enough to have Canada’s biggest rap sensation running the show, eh?

— This weekly editorial expresses the perspective of The Shanghai Courier Opinionatrix, who can’t wait to mock your laughably sub-par knowledge of proper grammatical etiquette.