Dining Hall of Horrors
Senior project reveals shocking effects of Daly's grease

By The Cherry Monster

For most Rider students, the daily trek to Daly’s is filled with loathing but not fear. However, for former freshman Becky Knabber, the sight of a half-cooked, fat-glossed cheeseburger is enough to incite a banshee-like wail audible only to members of the canine persuasion.

“It’s evil, I tell you,” screamed Knabber when asked to relive the horrific events of the past year. “A just and loving god would not allow a place like [Daly’s] to come into existence. It’s not cheese on those burgers, it’s hardened demon semen!”

Knabber — a poet who, reportedly, did not know it — was coaxed into starring in senior Matthew Warlock’s Video Production final project with promises of friendship and underage alcohol access. Heavily influenced by the film Supersize Me, Warlock decided to create his own version of the movie that would center on Daly’s, he said.

“I wanted it to be gripping and real, but I also didn’t want to deal with the consequences,” Warlock said. “So, I grabbed a freshman. Sweet, gullible freshmen. Is there anything they won’t do?”

With Knabber in tow, Warlock concocted a strict diet of cheeseburgers, hot dogs and cheesesteaks (oh my!) designed to cause a heart attack that would make Dick Cheney tremble in fear. However, Warlock was soon surprised to bear witness to a number of unexpected changes in Knabber.

“Her bones started to melt,” Warlock said. “Her skin was turning green about one week into the experiment.”

Knabber considered ending the diet after the first deformities occurred, but said she decided to press on for the good of science as well as “for shiz and giggles.” Warlock encouraged her not to quit by telling her that her new look was unique and pretty.

“Not yet, not when we’ve come so far,” said Warlock to Knabber, as she set down a PB & J sandwich. “There’s still a long way to go.”

But the skin and bone problems were merely the calm before the storm, said Knabber. By the second week of the experiment, the brave student had taken a turn for the worst.

“I began craving intergalactic princesses and could not control myself,” she said. “I started communicating in some strange language that only Han Solo was able to understand. Times were rough. I felt so ugly.”

That feeling was complicated by her increasingly bulbous, slug-like appearance. Before long, her legs had completely blended together; forming a mass of slimy goo that she was forced to slither about on. This severely hampered her speed, putting an end to the aspiring track star’s Olympic dreams.

“I couldn’t compete,” Knabber said. “The other runners would all be four laps ahead of me, despite the fact that the race was only a quarter-of-a-lap long. The crowd would throw salt at me, too, and that stuff burns, dammit! Anyway, I had to find a place where people would accept me.”

To that end, Knabber was able to catch a flight to the planet of Tattooine, where she has flourished as the head of a vast criminal empire. Warlock, however, couldn’t be prouder of the way his film turned out.

“We’ve got drama, suspense and a real freak-show vibe going on,” he said. “I think people will really enjoy it. Sure, it sucks for Becky, but she was never really human. She was a freshman.”